I have never been the one to tell my parents or sister that I love them or hug them and I've always thought that my father had something to do with this, that he's the reason I am the way that I am. I'm 22 years old and in those 22 years of my life the times he's said "I love you" to me I can probably count with my hands, that's sad isn't it? He told me he loved me like 3 times but that was only because I was in the hospital and I had gotten some major surgery but after that he hasn't once told me that anymore. On my recent calls you can scroll all the way down and you won't see any calls from him, you may see outgoing calls but out of the few of those calls which is like 4 or 5 he only answers once, its like if I'm a hindrance to his life. Maybe he didn't want my mom to have me that's why he's so cold and distant with me.
I think its hard for me because I'm afraid that I wont get the same thing in return and this has probably stopped me from doing a lot of things that I've wanted to to. Its my fathers fault because he makes me feel like he loves his other children more than me, like if there is something wrong with me, at his house he his pictures of all of his children except me, why? Do they all have something that I don't? He's always telling his daughters that they are beautiful and pretty....he's never once told me that :( and it hurts but I guess he won't ever understand because he's really never been there when I needed him he hasn't been much of a father figure in my life, my grandfather(my father's father) on the other hand he would constantly tell everyone "I have a beautiful granddaughter" he was always so proud to have me as his granddaughter and he would always show me off to everyone he knew :'( and I miss him with all my heart but he left to soon but I understand because he isn't in pain anymore and he is in a much better place.
It hurts me more that I can't express my feelings to the few people that do love me because like my mother I know she always wants me to tell her I love her and she wants hugs from me but I just can't do it and its not that I don't want to I just can't :( and its hurts me because I know that it hurts her alot because I'm her only child. I do tell her I love her but I have to write it to her like on her birthday I always get her a card and tell her how grateful I am for her because shes both my mother and father and I tell her that I love her but I know that it isn't the same. Maybe I need help, maybe this isn't normal and I have some type of expression disease or something. I also think that if my dad had been a better dad to me I wouldn't be the way that I am right now, my life would be slightly different if he had been in my life a little bit more. Again he doesn't understand how badly this affects me and I doubt he even cares.
There is so much I wish I could tell him but there is no way that I could because I already know his response, "You are disrespecting me" "The world doesn't revolve around you" "You are just jealous of your younger siblings" I always get the end of the stick :(. The days that I think about all of this I cry for hours because it hurts, it hurts a lot. But then I think of the good things in my life like my mother, her love for me is more than enough. I don't need him in my life because it won't make a difference. It's not like he's in it now and I've gone through life with out him so I can do it with just my mom and a few other people and with my grandfather watching over me. That is enough for me for now. I'm very grateful to god that he gave me such a wonderful human being that I call Mom because if it wasn't for her I don't know where I would be right now.
